Who knows how it feels to be me?
by Mislav
Summary: Set post the episode "The Itchy Brain Stimulation." Lucy thinks about her conversation with Penny and comes to realization, then decides to give Penny her POM. Two shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own any of the Big Bang Theory characters and I am not making any money from writing this.**

**Please forgive any minor spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.**

**This story takes place post eight epidode of season seven, "The Itchy Brain Stimulation". Because, let's face it, Penny was a hypocrite, judging by the way she was treating Leonard in earlier seasons. Chapter one is written in first person, from Lucy's POV. Chapter two will probably be written in the third person, but I may not be able to write it anytime soon. Hopefully, it will be longer. Also I apologize if this comes off as Penny bashing: I only bash the bad things which she done, not her character. Everybody makes mistakes, but I think that she always gets off the hook. **

_~The_ _world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places._

Ernest Hemingway~

Lots of bad things happened to me through my life. And I am always trying to forget that things. Which is silly, because it never works, and I am still doing that.

Sometimes, I try so hard to forget some things that I come to a point when I can't get those things-or one thing-out my head.

Like that conversation in Cheesecake factory two days ago.

Terrifying, humiliating, and probably the worst thing that I experienced in my life. And believe me, it's a long list.

And sometimes, I start thinking about those things. And sometines, I come to an interesting revelation. Or question. Like now, for example.

I started wondering: really, who knows how it feels to be me? To live in fear every day? To hate yourself every day? To watch other people living normal lives, seeing how simple it seems, and still not being able to live that way yourself? To cry yourself to sleep every night, then dream about living normal life and then wake up and cry again as all your fears and compulsions hit you mercilessly? Whole my life I was looking for a person who would be able to understand how I feel and why I feel that way, why am I doing certain things, why am I afraid... I never did. Raj understood me, partially, but not in complete.

How does that woman think I felt after the break up? I was just as sad and disappointed as Raj was, maybe even more. I felt like a selfish monster and coward and like the worst person in the world, and I was seriously considering to end my life. And when I finally get back on the track, so to speak, some b... bi...

No.

I can't say that.

I never did.

That... person suddenly thinks that she has right to yell at me for breaking up with Raj. First of all, I am sure that she doesn't suffer from anything I do-disorders, anxiety, whatever it is, because person who has that kind of disorder wouldn't start a fight in the crowded diner. Second, that was my and Raj's, _our_ relationship, not hers, and _my_ life, not hers. I only broke up with Raj because he was pushing me too far-it came to the point when I needed to pretend to be happy while I am with him, when I was actually afraid that he will try to push me into something... well, scary again. And I am sure that he was also constantly afraid that he will scare me away.

I can't blame him. I really can't. He meant the best, he wanted the best for both of us, but that's how I felt, and I didn't want to pretend, to lie to him-he didn't deserve that. He deserved, and deserves, the girl who truly loves him and is happy with him, who can make him truly happy.

He deserves someone better than me. I would be like a constant problem for him-problem which he loves, but still a problem. I could never make him truly happy. If I staid with him, I felt, I knew, that would be much worse than breaking up with him: both he and me would live in a lie and in a constant worry.

I wanted to tell that to that woman, but after everything she said to me, I simply couldn't.

But that's about to change.

If I managed to start seeing someone else, and talk to Raj, I can talk to her, too.

Maybe I'm changing.

I don't know how to find her adress, or the phone number. I don't know does she work in the Cheesecake factory tonight, in the same time like she did when we first met. I don't know how am I am going to find her. But I am not coming home till I find her and give her a piece of my mind.

_B-i-t-c-h._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I don't own any of The Big Bang Theory characters and I am not making any money from writing this.**

**Please forgive any minor spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.**

**I know that I said that it may take a while before I will write a second chapter. I didn't expect it to take so long though. But, here it is! Unlike the previous one, this chapter is written in a third person.**

_~Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it's an enemy._

_Albert Einstein~_

Deciding that tonight's the night, Lucy put on her jacket and left the apartment, locking the door behind. Having no car, she took a bus to a Cheescake factory. Going out so late at night, alone, was new for her, but it seemed safer to take a bus than to take a cab: after all, there is very low chance to be alone in the bus with no one but a driver. Still, she changed her mind two times and started walKking away. She almost missed the bus, but she managed to get on it just in time.

Every time when she would start walking toward the bus station, she would feel scared and confused, and that feeling would increase with every step she would make. Every time she would start walking away, she would feel calmer and safer, and that feeling would also increase with every step. But so would the feeling that she is a coward, that she is weak, and that Penny will never know that she wasn't right, that she had no right to say her such things. And that's what was keeping her going.

She was a coward when she broke up with Raj by text, that's for sure. (Not that Penny had right to treat her that way.) She was a coward when she ran away from their first date. She was a coward many times in her life.

But not tonight. Not anymore.

After less than thirty minutes of a ride, she got off the bus and walked toward the Cheesecake factory, feeling her heart thuddering against her chest, cold sweat rolling down her skin. When she finally approached the front door, her heat skipped the beat. She looked inside the factory through the near by window and saw Penny there. She shivered.

Deciding that she can't go through it, Lucy turned around and started walking away, toward the bus station.

She pressed her hand against the cold metal of the door knob and waited for a second, then sighed, pressed the door knob and walked inside. She immediately shivered once more, since everything she saw, heard, touched or smelled would remind her of the conversation with Penny. But she managed to walk very close to Penny, who didn't even notice her, and she finally spoke.

"Penny...", she whispered.

Penny turned around upon hearing someone saying her name. The voice sounded familiar, but not enough to guess who said it.

"Lucy?", Penny gasped, widening her eyes upon seeing Lucy. She didn't expect to see Lucy again. "What are you doing here?", she asked and started serving a customer, trying not to attention.

"We need to talk."

"About what?", Penny asked, not raising her head, still serving a customer.

"About what happened two days ago."

Penny just finished serving the customer. She raised her head and looked Lucy in the eyes before she spoke.

"There's nothing to talk about, Lucy", Penby replied, calmly. "You did what you did and I just pointed that out."

Lucy felt cold sweat rolling down her back and her heart beating even faster.

"I think you should leave now", Penny said, walking over to the next table, "I'm kinda busy."

Lucy knew that she still had a chance to walk away and avoid any possible conflict or an argument. But she also knew that she went too far to give up.

She took a deep breath, slowly opened her mouth, and spoke.

"No, I am not leaving!"

When she finally said it, she felt a mixture of shock and relief.

Penny was stunned upon hearing Lucy raising her tone of voice. She felt cold shivers running down her spine and she turned around, facing Lucy.

"What did you say?", she asked, danger barely noticeable but evident in her voice. Lucy shivered, suddenly feeling small and frightened. She desperately wanted to run away and never see Penny again, but the realization how humiliating that would be and reminder of what she had done so far encouraged her to stay until she says what she has to say.

"You heard me what I said." She still couldn't believe that she is actually saying all those things. "You had no right to flip on me like that!" She stopped and bit her lower lip before continuing. "You should learn how to control yourself! And you shouldalso try to understand other people."

Several people in the factory gasped, but most of the guests were just staring at the two of them. Penny licked her lips, smirk slowly forming on her face.

"I can't believe that you actually dare to say that!" She stepped a few steps closer toward Lucy, who swallowed hard and shivered again. "I was standing up for my friend! Do you have any idea how he felt after you guys broke up? And after you said him that you are seeing somebody else, he felt even worse!"

Those were very powerful arguments. Lucy almost decided to run away and avoid Penny for the rest of her life. But she didn't do that.

"Do you have any idea how _I_ felt after the break up? After what_ you_ said to me?"

"I was a coward then, I'll give you that. But that was due to my social anxiety. That's a recognized medical disorder. Maybe it wasn't an excuse for me to do that, but that's the reason for me I beaking up with Raj and doing it the way I did: by text. He was pushing me too far to overcome my anxiety. I know he didn't mean anything wrong, but he was pushing it too far, to a point where I was pretending to be happy while with him, while I was actually scared of him trying to put me in scary situation again. So I broke up with him, by text. Maybe I am-I was a coward. If you called me a coward, it would be fine. But you called me a bad person. You, with that stupid smirk on your lips and this stupid accent of yours. You didn't even know me, and you called me a bad person because of one thing I did-the way I did. I did it because of my disorder. Because of something I can't control, because of something I've been struggling with for years. How... how dare you? Do you have any idea how I feel, living with that thing? Every day my fears beat me down so many times that I just want to die sometimes. Every day I envy every single person who can argue with other people without running in the bathroom or being in crowded places without fainting. I am actually making progress lately. My break up with Raj pushed me into that-it also helped him overcome his selective mutism. We had to find each other, date and then break up in a way we did in order to improve and overcome our problems. And you call me a bad person? You decide to give me a relationship advice without even knowing anything about me except my name and way I broke up with Raj?"

"You never said that's the reason! You said you did it because you thought it would be easier."

"I said that because I have problems explaining my condition to other people. I didn't even meet you before! It wasn't until later that I realized that, since you're friend with both Penny and Raj and they both know about my condition, they probably told you or at least hinted you at some point, at least after the break up. You knew about my condition and decided to offend me anyway, you prick! I finally made some progress and I almost-almost-got back to my old self after what you told to me. To think that I actually cried over something that _you_ said to me! Also, I really like the guy that I am seeing and I actually get along with him better than Raj, and it's not my fault that he felt the was he felt after I told him that. I just wanted to be honest and I didn't tell him that he wasn't a good boyfriend or anything. You think you can just soul-crush me and then ask what I want to order, oh you infamous mrs. waitress/actress wannabe? You think you can just say anything to anyone if you think they deserve it? What gives you that right? I don't think that anyone here is a bad person, but If anyone is close to being one, that's you!"

She stopped, breathing heavily, looking down at the floor, holding tight to a near by table, trying to keep the balance. She still couldn't believe that she just said such things. She didn't even plan what to say: it was like words just kept coming out of her mouth. She knew that she should feel scared abd ashamed and all that, but she felt... good. It was something different, like a high. Suddenly, all the tension from her body-and mind was gone.

Penny was even more surprised-shocked, to be exact. While Lucy was talking, all bunch of emotions were battling inside of her: anger, confusion, shock and pitty, all at once.

But what remained was a feeling of shame. Not because Lucy said her all those things in crowded Cheesecake factory, on her workplace, but because it made her realize how cruel she was, and that Lucy probably suffers more every day than she suffered her whole life.

"I... I'm sorry, Lucy", was the only thing she managed to whisper, trying not to cry, her cheeks flushed red.

Slowly, Lucy raised her head and looked her in the eyes.

"Don't be", she smiled. "I am not afraid anymore. But I do forgive you."

She really did.

And with that, she left, leaving Penny completely baffled.

She actually started to think that Penny isn't so bad after all. She probably just thought that she is doing the right thing. But she didn't, and she had to learn a lession.

Lucy walked over to a bus station near by. Nobody was around, and it was dark and cold.

She decided to call her boyfriend to pick her up. _I had enough of the adventure for tonight, _she thought.

She took a phone out of her pocket, dialed the number and waited for the response.

"Stuart? Here's the thing..."

~THE END~


End file.
